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Our very serious obituary for Mario



When it’s midnight, Nintendo will execute Mario. After today, Super Mario 3D All-Stars will disappear from store shelves and digital store shelves, and Super Mario Bros. 35 will be closed.

Mario debuted in 1981 as the hero of smash arcade hit Donkey Kong. His star would rise higher with the launch of Super Mario Bros. for the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1985. Since then, he has played in dozens of hits, including sports games, digital board games and several critically acclaimed 2D and 3D platform players.

It is difficult to agree with the death of such an icon. My colleague, Jeff Grubb and I, came together to try to understand Mario̵

7;s death.

Mike: Jeff, why did Mario have to die?

Jeff: I think it’s for two main reasons: First, he was too perfect for this world. And secondly because of his crimes.

Mike: We obviously know about his crimes, so I do not want to elaborate there. How should you choose to remember Mario? I will imagine his face, comfortably lost in sleep, while the credits of Super Mario Bros. 2 players. This is how I will imagine him in his eternal rest.

He's just sleeping.

Above: He’s just sleeping.

Image credit: Nintendo

Jeff: In Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga for Game Boy Advance, Mario and Luigi have their own language that sounds like gibberish Italian. And I’m pretty sure Mario in one of the sequels goes on a long run where he just says random Italian dishes like “spaghetti lasagna prosciutto!” Or at least that’s how I remember it. And this is how I will choose to always remember him: to lie in a coffin while mumbling Italian food to himself during his sleep death.

Mike: Has anyone told the rabbis? Is Rabbid Mario now the new Mario? Like, it’s the one we see in the new Mario Golf game, but settled with CGI to make him look more like the old Mario. You know, like Grand Moff Tarkin.

Jeff: Right? The line of inheritance here is not clear at all. It feels like we could end up with one Tonight shows fiasco her. Nintendo may try to give Luigi the job, but when his rankings collapse, they will go out and bring in someone else like Rabbid Mario. And I think it’s an inspired choice. I mean, what do you really need from Mario? He needs to have had and jump, and the weird French rabbit has all this covered.

Or is this more of a “Death of Superman” situation? Do we get four new Super Marios? Oh God. I have to do Photoshop right now.

Above: He actually did Photoshop.

Photo credit: Jeff Grubb

Mike: Did you know that Blizzard got Death of Superman to beat them up for SNES and Genesis? Too bad they could not include it in their recent retro collection. But at least it’s disappearing randomly from the store on a certain date.

Is Bubsy dead yet? Has he officially survived Mario?

Jeff: I did not think that Bubsy outliving Mario would affect me so deeply. It’s depressing. I wish Mario could come back to life to kill the cat.

Do you think Biden knows that Mario is dying?

Mike: Yes, CNN reported earlier today that Biden had a one-on-one time with Mario to thank him for his service before he was executed. He was also asked if Yoshi’s Island is a core Mario game, and he said no. So that’s good.

How are you going to explain to your kids that Mario is dead?

Jeff: I’m just going to get them to see the execution live. In movies, you always see families participating in executions, and I want to bring that back. And who can put on a more family-friendly death penalty than Nintendo?

Should we say something about what Mario meant to us and the world before we end this?

Mike: No.

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