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Mario Golf: Super Rush & Ender Lilies: Quietus of the Knights

This week about zero punctuation, Yahtzee considers Mario Golf: Super Rush and Ender Lilies: Quietus of the Knights.

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Mario Town is divided into three districts. First Mainline Mario, where the core platforms live on ever higher tent poles. Second, Nostalgia Mario, where it lives on the gaming bank to mimic older headlines; this is where we find New Super Mario, 3D World and Mario Maker. And finally, we have Whore Mario, the shady downmarket region where they just make something fucking and stick Mario’s face on it like a fishing net on a blobfish. And yes, there are some charming gentrified areas in this region where RPGs live, but then there are alleys where Super Mario Run trades. Dear God. You can catch something ugly just being within earshot of the public restrooms. The point is, you know it̵

7;s a slim form of release when I seriously give a Mario Golf game a try. But I figured, hey, I just got a little excited about the sniping gameplay in that Sniper Roast Waterfowl With Carrots 2 game, and what’s golf games if not sniper games without body count? And then I went out to escape worrying about growing income inequality by pretending to be an internationally known public figure who enjoys a sport played exclusively by rich cunts.

Or not, and that was the first disturbing sign – when I started the main player campaign and you are not allowed to play as Mario. The mentioned characters are only for multiplayer mode and challenge mode, I’m afraid the farmers will have to play the campaign as a custom Mii. Because when I play something called Mario Golf, I will of course spend all my time playing like Richard Dean Anderson or Jeffrey Dahmer. Mario, if you can slam your name over the top of this title like an artificially enlarged penis over an unsuspecting forehead, you can damn well stop spotting mushroom tortellini in the clubhouse and put some bloody work in. The next annoying sign was that it’s a pretty unreasonable far between starting the single player promotion of the Golf game and getting to play a fucking game of golf. I guess they felt the need to set it up as a grand adventure instead of just wanting to relax for an hour as if pretending the little white balls I hit were testicles from venture capitalists. So you are plonked into a kind of hub urban area and some watery plot is established with you being grouped up with three rivals.

Which seems to be the first three random Mario enemies that the developers could pick up from the common asset box. After that, there is everything to do in the city center, except to interact with passers-by as banal golf-centric dialogues fall out like dry cowpats from their clogged rectum in the face. Then there are several rounds of mandatory training programs before we can continue, as if golfing has taken on a lot of nuance in the last twenty years – choose the angle, pay attention to wind, press the button, adjust stupid pants, press the button again. And then, after all this, just before the golf itself starts, the game goes “Oh we forgot to mention all golf from now on is speed golf. As in, you have to play in a timer and sprint to the ball for each shot while all the other players get in the way. “Okay, be careful what you want, some golf is happening now. Okay, should not expect a relaxing, sedentary experience from something aimed at children these days who can not pay attention to a raging house fire unless it somehow is the theme around Spongebob fucking Squarepants.But from the way we are cut without warning into nine holes of speed golf, it makes me feel like the game is paced as absolute dogshit.Reject Wii Sports dogshit with a general air of half-hearted jerks that could not even care to erase the lines of perspective.

So I kicked it pretty quickly in the head and went in search of indie games instead, and since I was put in a bad mood by Mario Golf’s happy colorful commercialism, let’s look at something gloomy, violent and nihilistic to cheer me up. Ender Lilies: Quietus of the Knights has absolutely no connection to Mario Golf Super Rush, unless we want to call this Games Whose Full Titles In Struggle To Commit To Memory double bill, and is yet another attempt at 2D platform game Dark Soulsing. So you know what that means. Any moment you do not use to avoid rolling through an enemy is a moment closer to fucking. Oh, and we’re also a little kid in a scary world, all we need now are some anime tits, and this game can officially represent indie games in the Olympics. In the classic Dark Souls way, we’re in a ruined medieval realm where everyone has become immortal and hostile, and ooh, can I take a notch on what the main villain will turn out to be? Is it “Darkness?” Oh. it’s “The Blight.” Well, close enough. We play as a little innocent little girl with white hair and white skin and a white dress with the general mood of someone who has had her wrists welded at birth.

We must explore the kingdom in your basic Metroidvania way by using the power of restless spirits to fight the enemy undead, purify souls and claim their power for ourselves through the pure and relentless power of moe. If you think I’ve heard a little dismissive so far, then it’s fair enough, dismissive is my default tone, probably why they never asked me to judge the kids’ art competition again, but the guiding principle at work in Ender Sillies is that if you can not be original, at least do everything right. So while yes, there is a bit of Dark Soulsy and not a bit of Hollow Knighty and quite a bit of Salt and Sanctuary-y, and borrowing a wide variety of attacks from defeated enemies is significantly more than a bit of Castlevania Aria of Sorrow-y, it all fits together pretty well. It’s as tough as you might expect from a game where the enemy has ten million swords, halberds and bugger sticks in all sizes and shapes, and you only have a positive attitude and the dress your mother made you wear to church, but its generosity with it are checkpoints proportional to its stinginess with consequences for death.

The boss fights strike the right balance in that they seem insurmountable the first time you jump into the arena and get your petticoats nailed to the wall, but when you learn their patterns and find the best combination of forces to counter them, they gradually come apart as a headboard in a honeymoon. But it is the context that does it for me. You’re not just killing bosses – you’re cleaning corrupt knights, reminding them of their promise to protect small doe-eyed white chocolate porcelain figures as the protagonist, enlisting them to fight by your side, and adding a consistent line of emotional storytelling to the standard game like I thought was quite effective. All in all, there’s only one aspect of Ender’s Game: Quitely Knightly that I do not like, and that is the animation. I understand that some games can not commit to beautiful frame-by-frame 2D animation because the art style has many cruel details, and we hope to glimpse the sun again at some point in our lives, so instead they create animation by reproducing everyone body parts individually as static images and rotate them as needed, but it always looks so stiff and appeared. And rather contrary to the gloomy, serious tone of the action. Feel free to read Requiem for a Dream custom pop-up book.

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