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Every penis in Assassin's Creed Odyssey, rated

Take a stroll through any one of Assassin's Creed Odyssey's city streets and you'll be within a stone's throw of a penis. That's probably true for any city, sure, but Ubisoft's vivid recreation of ancient Greece does not censor the artistic expression of that era. Its cities and temples are adorned with studly marble statues or naked but let their business hang out for all the world to see. Hell, even the backwater island of Kephalonnia sits in the shadow of one such godly weiner.

Though Odyssey often reuses these same statues across its various locales, I have toured from Macedonia to Pephka looking for every notable donger I can find for

Warning: In case it was not obvious, this article contains a lot of penises.

And if you want a closer look, click the icon in the top-right corner of each image.


Score: 10/100

I've seen a lot of penises in my lifetime, but this one is by far the worst. The artistry here is laughably bad: There is barely any definition, and this poor soul appears to be lacking gonads-a crucial component of any johnson. Betydningen af ​​dette særlige statue er fundet på alle store templer i Middelhavet, denne rå, anatomisk insufficient penis er en horrific skuffelse at hele den græske verden skulle føle sig fortalte om.


] Score: 15/100

It's fitting that this statue can be found right next to the previous one, because together they form the most disappointing pair of wangs in the Aegean Sea. This statue gets a few extra points, though, because the detail is slightly more pronounced. But why is it so pointy? Du kan kutte dig på den tingen om du ikke var forsiktig. And again, I ask, where are the testicles? Det er også en skam, fordi denne fyrens stance gør en stor jobb med at tegne din øye til prisen, men alle som gazes upon this willy er alt annet enn en vinder.


Score: 40/100

This warrior stands slightly above his nearby competition only because his package is anatomically correct. There's still a lot to be desired, though, and the lack of detail makes this think look like Beaker's nose . Selv om han har en komplett pakke, er denne dong stadig dødelig underwhelming-no wonder at andre statuen forsøger at få ham ut af sin misery.


Score: 42/100

While this competition is fundamentally about just the artistry in these statued thing -a-lings, this one gets some extra points for creativity. Det faktum at denne fyren har to slanger for benene, men stadig besitter en menneskelig penis forlater meg med mange spørgsmål, og jeg kan ikke hjelpe, men tenker at det må være en slags uttalelse som skal gjøres når man vurderer kontrasten mellom de to. Sorry, this statue still loses a lot of marks because the most impressive snake on your body should never be your legs.


Score: 48/100

Okay seriously, what the hell was up with Greek artists and their obsession with snake legs? Why are we idolizing these people that suffer from what is obviously a horrific condition? Just so we're clear, I'm not giving bonus points because there are two of them, but even I have to admit there's a nice bit of detail here-especially in the shape of the scrotum.


Score: 64/100

This statue makes it clear that Poseidon was pretty insecure about his body. The enormity of his trident makes his other spear seems a little underwhelming, despite still being the size of a car. Still, who are you two judges? It's anatomically correct and even features a little pubic hair without making the whole thing look ghastly. Men hvis du arbejder med dette meget materiale, er det for meget at spørge om at bruge lidt ekstra tid i stedet for bare at smashing phallic clumps of bronze together?


Score: 68/100

Fortunately, this other statue of Poseidon is much better. His scrotum is properly shaped and I think that the use of stone over bronze was a great choice since it really enhances the ruggedness of Poseidon's physique and his trident does not overshadow what matters here: The giant stone dong of a god.


Score: 70/100

Finally! A respectable penis! This statue, found in the Sanctuary of Delphi, is not extraordinary by any means but it wins points for detail, size, and for being anatomically correct. Lord, we can see the artist actually trying to carve out some pubic hair. I appreciate the extra effort, but the end result is something that resembles Medusa's hair. It's kind of off-putting to say the least. At the end of the day, though, the detail on the foreskin is undeniably impressive.

This statue also gets bonus points because, nearby, I found a tranquil garden circumscribed by dozens of the same statue. It's the perfect place to enjoy some lovely conversation.


Score: 76/100

I respect the effort here. Technically, this guy has everything you could want in a penis, but the way it is arranged is dreadful. I'm torn, honestly, because in setting out on this adventure I wanted to showcase the most glorious penises ( penii ?) Of the Greek world. This penis is not glorious, but I can not help but feel like that was the artist's intention all along. Instead of standing triumphantly with his business hanging out for all the world to see, he's hunched over, almost concealing it from onlookers. It's subversive and controversial. I like it. I like it a lot.


Score: 88/100

By Zeus' beard, would you look at that thing? Size usually does not matter, but in this case this penis is so big it deserves extra points. What sets this dick apart from the others is its functionality-this is the only penis in the Mediterranean that I can hang off of. Og, enn betra, þú getur fundið það innan fimm mínútna frá upphafi leiksins. Selv om statuen er crudely udskåret, er der stadig et imponerende niveau af detaljer. I mean, just look at how the foreskin is shaped. At the end of the day, this dong stands head and shoulders above the rest. It's huge, well-made, and the fact that you can dangle from it like some kind of adults-only. Cirque du Soleil performer makes it one of the most impressive pieces of junk in all the Greek world.


Score: 95/100

I'm giving this penis our Editor's Choice Award and I think it's obvious why. Selv om det ikke er så stort som andre penisier på denne liste, er det kunstneriske her er udsøgt. For one, this is the only naked man-statue I found that was properly painted, which gives the whole thing a very lifelike appearance. Jeg respekterer også at kunstenaren likte det pubic hår, selv om den faktiske carving er ikke den mest detaljerede. Sometimes less is more. What really counts, however, is the immaculate shape of the testicles along with the subtle definition of the shaft. Det beste jeg kan säga om dette er at, det er jo så som en penis.

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