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Carolyn Hax: In limbo over a major life change

Six days have passed with radio silence. And since I’re the one who’s always stretched out after a quarrel to make up, I will not do it now. That was his question.

At what point will I be legally divorced? Or just let this limbo shit go?

It’s just me: You say “limbo crap”, I say tomahto.

Something big just happened to you, huge, life transformation. And it happened on the basis of an unrelated something else that is drawn out and scary and stressful.

I understand your impatience for answers ̵

1; uncertainty alone can feel disorienting, with no breaks and pandemics to round it off. There’s an awful lot of stress, I’m sorry. However, in my experience at least, the mind does a better job of processing and giving meaning to new and weird things when we give them time and space to do so.

Your husband, if nothing else, has given you time and space in abundance. So instead of fighting him for it – instead of fighting to shorten the time and compress the space – please treat these as possibly the most useful things to have during this awful time. Accept that you can at least for the moment live with your new reality without external pressure to respond to it.

I do not mean that you empty the schedule and persevere; On the contrary. I suggest you settle down to find out who you are, what you have and what kind of life you want to build for yourself, with or without your husband – and again, without burdening the process of artificial deadlines. .

When you insisted on a “plan” or otherwise this would be. . . the end, ”probably felt like a way to have some control over a result you did not ask for. But you actually gave the power over to your husband so he could decide what came next and when.

So draw the ultimatum – ideally high, but you can also do it just in your mind, since it was not a definite “by Tuesday or otherwise !!!” kind of ultimatum. So take another day, then another, then another, to see how your own choices fill the husband-shaped space in your life. Then you live a whole week like this, then another, then another, until it does not feel new or strange to think about and only for yourself.

You say “limbo crap”, I say healing, grounding, acceptance. Whatever comes, it will be better for you to have embraced this restorative time.

Dear Carolyn: How can I close questions from siblings when my son and his wife are about to have children? I find the questions intrusive and annoying and want them to stop! I have tried to politely reject the question, but there is no way.

Annoyed: You realize you’re the only one trying to be polite here, right?

Tell them it’s not your business and you will not discuss it again. So do not do it. Sweet relief.

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